Life

I wasn't sure if this was the right outlet for what will follow. But the more I thought about it, the more it made sense to put it here. After all, this is where I come to write about life. And for one brief week I had life growing inside of me. So I'm going to put this out there and then I'm going to bury it with happy posts.

Everyone has been asking me how I'm doing. And honestly, I really don't know how I'm doing. I feel okay, then I don't feel okay. We weren't trying to get pregnant, in fact we weren't/aren't 100% sure we're going to have more than one child. But as soon as I saw that positive test and got over the initial shock I let myself fall in love with the idea of having another one. And all of the possibilities that come with a new life.

Seeing pregnant women or babies doesn't bother me. I've been in their shoes and experienced that euphoria. I have a beautiful, perfect, precious little boy as a result. I don't want their pregnancies or their babies, I want mine.

Part of my issue is letting myself feel that I have the right to be so upset. I'm lucky that this happened sooner rather than later. I can't imagine the sort of heartache women feel when they're further along and lose their precious babies. Or women who've experienced multiple losses along their journey. So a part of me feels silly for feeling so much sadness over it.

I don't want to dwell on this. It is what it is. It happened for a reason. It just wasn't meant to be. [Insert other well-meaning cliche here.] Instead, I'm going to remember to count my blessings for the wonderful things in my life - especially my amazing family and friends who have offered so much support and compassion over the last few days. I am lucky and loved.